Building Trust
This blog is inspired by a client I worked with recently. She asked if her mother in law would ever come around to heal their relationship. I wasn't told any other information, I don’t know any details of either of them or what their relationship issues were.
The guidance I received for her was the analogy of befriending a wild or undomesticated cat. If you have the desire to repair a relationship with someone who has trust issues, or abuse or trauma, or with someone who struggles with a social and/or emotional challenge, you may want to practice the same behaviors that are required for befriending an undomesticated cat. If you have ever done this, then you know what is required and the dynamics of this tenuous relationship. If you have not experienced this, then let me explain the analogy and how you can apply the principles of it to certain relationships in your own life.
When a cat (or most other wild creatures) is raised in the wild or has lived on its own outside for a while, or has a history of abuse or trauma, it is extremely wary of humans. It will not come close, it will not allow you to approach it, it will run away if you try. You can put food out for it and it might come to eat, but only if you are not too close if at all. This is the beginning of a long process of building trust which may eventually happen, though for some, that might never happen.
First know thyself
As humans, there are layers of motivation for wanting to befriend a wild or timid cat. Compassion and pity may be the primary purpose for wanting to offer the cat food, shelter, and love. But there is also the underlying personal ego that wants to feel the satisfaction that you were able to get a wild animal to trust you and become your friend. Maybe the reason for wanting to befriend the cat is mostly to satisfy your own need for love, affection, or an achievement of sorts. Reflect on your why for wanting to build or repair a relationship with someone who, for whatever reason, is not being vulnerable. The cat, having to rely on its wits and instinct for survival, is extremely sensitive and senses your motives and energy. Or perhaps due to trauma or abuse, just learned to not trust humans. Regardless, the cat will only come on its own terms. People, consciously or subconsciously, are just as sensitive to the intent, emotions, thoughts and subtleties of others. When you have your own healthy sense of self, you are initiating a relationship knowing that even though you are allowing it to happen on their terms, you are always empowered and acting upon a solid, stable, loving foundation which does not depend on anyone else to support. So start with yourself. Practice unconditional loving kindness. Be willing to love regardless of how the other responds.
Compassion Built on Understanding
Understand where and why this animal (or person) acts the way they do. If your own actions and behavior are not at least partly to blame, then this allows you to be detached from any outcome or response from the other. When you combine compassion with unconditional kindness, you don’t take it personal if the wild cat doesn’t want to return your desire for affection because you have an understanding of why it behaves the way it does. You just allow it to be itself. The same should hold true for people. Try to understand the deeper reasons for someone else's behavior.
Create Space, Offer Love
Start from a distance.You may need to offer something to attract the cat towards you, like food. With people, even a small token of friendship can go a long way. A flower, music, a card, a meal are examples of things you can offer someone to allow their heart to open to let you in. The undomesticated cat will not allow you to make the first move towards it. You must be still, centered, and allow the cat to come to you. If the cat chooses to come to you, and begins its approach and you get excited and move to meet it, it will likely change its mind. It is stubborn, sensitive, unsure and self-protective. So all you need to do is let your intention be known and emit good, loving energy from within you towards the other. When in the presence of each other, be silent, listen and feel out what the mood or energy is of the other. When you speak, use a soft voice and use words that express only acceptance. Don’t speak too much, a lot can be communicated without words.
Keep Showing Up
This early phase can last a long time. But if you are consistent, keeping a neutral, kind and loving energy exchange, the trust and relationship can progress. Remember that the cat will only come around on its own terms. You need to practice detachment. Your intention is to heal and build a relationship, not to boost your ego, and not for one-sided personal gain. When the other reacts or behaves badly, do not take it personal! Do not engage in persuasion or expect the other to behave in a way that they are not capable of. Like I said earlier, you are dealing with someone who is acting as a result of fear, trauma, abuse, neglect, or mental,emotional, or social challenges. The more you just stay and allow the cat to come to you, the more secure and comfortable it will become, eventually leading to its own show of vulnerability, allowing you to approach and move without the fear of backlash.
Time Heals
The main ingredient needed for the best outcome is patience and time. It is cliche, but true! Remind yourself that your expectations should not define what is out of your control. Trust in a greater power. Trust that what may appear bleak is probably what is required for an ultimately good outcome. A once-wild cat who insists that it have the freedom to dictate
Self-Respect
Although the preferred modus operandi is to follow the cat’s lead by respecting its boundaries, and letting it determine if and when it will trust you and how close it will allow you, it is also important for you to have your own boundaries. You don’t need to let the other walk all over you. Especially if this is someone who also has to earn your trust in return. An undomesticated cat does not know how to behave inside a home, so you would not let the cat move straight in uncontrolled, otherwise you might find your house trashed. Likewise, sometimes hurt people hurt people, so you need to define, communicate and respect your own personal boundaries. If someone can not respect your boundaries, you can still manage a relationship within neutral and safe zones, both physically and emotionally. Always maintaining a detached, empowered sense of self, you do not engage in any back-and-forth of hurt or blame.
Stay Present
To move forward and progress the relationship, it’s necessary to practice forgiveness and gratitude by leaving the past in the past and acknowledging the gift(s) of the present. Hopefully over time you will be able to see a positive progression and enjoy the fruits of a solid friendship.
If you have given an honest effort to remain detached from any outcome, from the need to control how the other responds or behaves, practiced honest and supportive communication, and allowed your heart to be open and loving unconditionally, and still the other chooses not to have a relationship with you or continues to disrespect your healthy boundaries, then it might be time to walk away and close the door behind you. No regrets.
